lets-do-the-time-warp-again:

fonzworthcutlass:

You ever be so comfortable in bed, you start rubbing your legs together like a cricket?

tumblr dot com posts are getting so relatable im convinced the government has 24/7 surveillance on me and is feeding it to me through this website to see if i notice

screamingcrawfish:

shoutout to the time my mom was hammered and i heard her trying to tell my dad that she murdered her first husband years ago and my dad very patiently said “i saw glenn in an elevator last week”

thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press “send”
thanks for your interest: why’d you have to bring this up
would you be so kind: fucking do it
best: i have never physically met you
all best: this conversation is over
all my best: i wish you would die
happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox
i hope this helps: i’ve done all i’m willing to do
i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you’re too lazy to
sorry to chase: answer my email
so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email
i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me
please contact my colleague: this isn’t my problem
i’m copying in my colleague: this isn’t my problem and i am thrilled about it
i’ll check and get back to you: i might forget to
i’ll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to
can you check back with me in a week?: i’m hoping you will forget to
per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone
great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone
thanks!: i’m not mad at you
thanks!!: please don’t be mad at me
thanks!!!: i’m crying at my desk
please advise: this might be your fault
kindly advise: this is entirely your fault
mind if i swing by?: i’m already in the elevator
can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email
sorry if that was unclear: i think you’re an idiot
let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again
Reblogging to add a direct quote that I used today –
Please respect my work process: just do it the way I told you to and stop arguing with me, I don’t care what you think

christianmingledotcom:

can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that patricia highsmith saw this fucking milf at work and wrote a bestselling self insert fanfic about fucking her that ended up becoming a major motion picture like what a gay icon

daftalchemist:

first day of college in media: “Please open up your textbooks to chapter three because I expect you to have already read the first two chapters in preparation for starting this class”

first day of college in reality: “We’re going to spend the next hour slowly and thoroughly going over every page of the syllabus because I strongly suspect at least half of you assholes don’t actually know how to read”

pervocracy:

Me in history class: Wow, humanity has been through some fascinating times!  I wonder if I’ll ever live through major historical events!

Me now: NO NO NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE