Tag: omg

cheshirelibrary:

How To Tell If You Are In A High Fantasy Novel

[via The Toast]

• The Elders would like a word with you.
• The Ritual is about to begin.
• Something that has not happened in a thousand years is happening.
• You are going to the City. There is only one City. It is only said
  with a capital C. No one needs to bother saying the name of the City. It
  is the City.
• Certain members of the Council are displeased with your family’s recent actions.
• A bard is providing occasional comic relief; no one hired or invited him and his method of earning a living is unclear.
• The High Priest is not to be trusted.
• Someone is eating an apple mockingly.
• There is one body of water. It is called the Sea. The Great Sea, if you are feeling fancy.
• You live in a region with no major exports, no centralized
  government, no banking system, a mysteriously maintained network of
  roads, and little to no job training for anyone who is not a farmer.
• You have red hair. You wear it in a braid. Your father was a simple
  man, and you don’t remember much about him – he died when you were so
  young – but you remember his strong hands, as he fished or carpentered
  or whatever it was that he used to do with them.
• You’re going to have to hurry, or you’re going to miss the Fair – and you never miss the Fair.
• There is trouble at the Citadel.
• Your full name has at least one apostrophe in it.
• It is the first page, and you are already late for something. Your
  mother affectionately chides you as you gulp down a few spoonfuls of
  porridge; she will be dead by page forty-two.
• There are two religions in your entire universe. One is a thinly
  veiled version of Islam. It is only practiced by villains. The other is
  “being a Viking.” You are a Viking.
• There are new ways in the land that threaten the Old Way. Your
  grandmother secretly practices the Old Way, as do all of the people of
  the hills.
• The real trouble began the day you arrived at court. Every last
  nobleman hides a viper in his smile. How you long for the purity of life
  in your village, which is currently on fire or something.