carrotsforferrets:

So some of my most popular posts on tumblr have been involving Elder Scrolls lore.  Last I checked, that Khajiit thing had about 11k notes… (yet meanwhile my actual mods that I pour hours of effort into get practically none, but no matter).

Anyways, here’s an interesting bit of lore for you.

Some of you might have seen books such as “The Biography of Barenziah” and “The Real Barenziah” lying around here and there. Barenziah was a Dunmer woman, and probably one of the most (if not the most) influential female figures in all of Tamriel’s history. Barenziah was the Queen of Wayrest, and eventually the Queen of Morrowind. She also conceived an illegitimate child with Tiber Septim, and was partially responsible for defeating the evil sorcerer Jagar Tharn, an imposter of Emperor Uriel Septim VII.

What most in-game books won’t tell you however, are the more intimate details of her youth. For that, you’ll have to go all the way back to Daggerfall.

In Daggerfall, Barenziah herself gives you a quest to prevent someone from publishing a biography full of her secrets, “The Real Barenziah”. She claims that, like everyone else, she did foolish things as a young adult that she doesn’t want the world to know about.

Eventually, the book does get published of course, since we know it today from Morrowind, Oblivion, and Skyrim. The version in these games though has been edited and censored by the Temple (at least, that’s the lore explanation for it).

In the book she pulls off some Mulan tier shit when she’s 17. After her family sought asylum in Skyrim because of a nasty revolt in Morrowind, she ran away from home with a Nord boy, had sex with him, and then told him she wanted an open relationship (although he didn’t). So she ran off to Riften and frequently dressed as a boy to hide her identity. She also tried to sign up for the Thieves Guild. And here’s where things get extra saucy in the ORIGINAL Manuscript.

It is revealed that (and I am not making this shit up, this was legitimately in an Elder Scrolls game. this isn’t some saucy fanfiction) “in the barroom” (presumably the Ragged Flagon underneath Riften, but this was hundreds of years ago so it could have been referring to a different place) she spoke to a large Khajiit by the name of Therris. She offered, rather bluntly, to sleep with him if he would sponsor her to become a Thieves Guild member. And then, in a very passionate and hotly detailed scene, he rather suddenly gropes her, pulls down her shirt, and fucks her in front of the whole bar. Most of the bar patrons are ambivalent to the incident, though they do take note. The sex is apparently so simultaneously ecstatic and painful that she passes out. When she comes to, it’s revealed that the reason it was so painful was because, according to Therris, Khajiit have barbed dicks.

I am not making this shit up.

I wish I was.

The Elder Scrolls: where all your questions, from the metaphysics of the universe to the shape of a Khajiit’s penis, can be answered if you dig deep enough in the lore.

Later in that same volume of the Biography, Barenziah has a conversation with a Nord friend of hers, Katisha, and Katisha tells Barenziah that there is apparently a big stereotype that young Dunmer women are promiscuous and often become prostitutes.

Gee, I wonder why?

Anyways, there’s something for you to chew on next time you’re at the Ragged Flagon in Riften. Next time you’re there, you’ll know that in all likelihood, Barenziah, Queen of Wayrest and Morrowind, was brutally and publicly fucked in that very room.

(source for all of the above: http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Lore:The_Real_Barenziah_(Daggerfall) )